Satir Communication Mode: A Powerful Tool for Understanding Interpersonal Relationships

The Satir communication mode provides a powerful tool for understanding interpersonal relationships, helping people recognize their own and others' communication styles and improve relationships through congruent communication. This article will detail the five communication stances, including the characteristics and realization methods of congruent communication, and how to apply them in real life.

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Overview of Satir Communication Mode

The Satir communication mode is a theory proposed by the renowned psychologist Virginia Satir, aiming to help people identify and improve communication methods in interpersonal interactions. By observing an individual's responses in stressful or conflict situations, this mode reveals five basic communication stances, including placating, blaming, super-reasonable, distracting, and congruent. Among them, the first four communication methods are considered unhealthy and inconsistent as they usually disguise or distort an individual's true emotions. Congruent communication, on the other hand, is regarded as the most ideal communication method as it helps an individual remain sincere when expressing themselves while also considering the feelings and situations of others. The Satir mode believes that communication ability directly affects a person's interpersonal relationships and quality of life. Therefore, improving communication methods is an important way to achieve personal growth and establish healthy relationships.

Understanding and mastering the Satir communication mode can help individuals better recognize their patterns in communication and learn how to shift to congruent communication, thereby reducing conflicts and enhancing understanding and closeness. You can better understand your communication type through the Satir Coping Stances Scale (SCS) Online Test, and you can also conduct self-assessment through the Satir (Satir) Communication Type Test - Chinese Version.

"Inconsistent" Communication Stances

The following is a detailed description of the four "inconsistent" communication stances in the Satir communication mode:

1. Placating (Placater)

People with placating communication mainly feature catering and giving in. They tend to please others and put their own feelings and needs behind. To avoid conflicts, they often sacrifice their own interests. They often apologize, comply, wrong themselves, be overly kind, dependent, and plead for forgiveness. Verbal expressions would be like "It's all my fault", "I didn't do well", "I just want to make you happy", etc.

At the bottom of their hearts, placaters feel that they are unimportant and not worthy of love. They hide repressed anger and often feel hurt, anxious, and dissatisfied. Long-term placating behavior may lead to neurosis, depression, and even suicidal tendencies. Additionally, physically, there may be digestive tract problems, headaches, etc.

In Chinese culture, some people may exhibit placating behavior out of considering the relationship rather than low self-esteem, which is different from the Western culture where placating is directly equated with low self-esteem.

2. Blaming (Blamer)

People with blaming communication are the opposite of placating. They are accustomed to attacking, criticizing, and being angry. They tend to shift the responsibility to others or the environment to protect themselves. They often blame, command, criticize, and intimidate others. Verbal expressions would be like "It's all your fault", "How did you do it?", "You will never understand", etc.

Blamers hide a sense of hurt inside but are unwilling to admit their weakness. They feel lonely, frustrated, not trusted, and afraid of losing control. Blamers are prone to anger, irritation, and triggering violent behaviors. Physically, there may be problems such as muscle tension and high blood pressure.

In Eastern culture, blaming may be influenced by the values of patriarchy and face-saving, and it can be divided into authoritative blaming and face-protecting blaming.

3. Super-Reasonable (Super-Reasonable)

People with super-reasonable communication like to reason and focus on logic and rules. They tend to avoid topics related to individuals or emotions and appear indifferent and rational. They like to conduct logical analysis using words like "but" and "if", avoiding their own feelings, and often say "People must be rational", "Emotionality is not good".

Super-reasonable people are afraid of losing control, hide their emotions and emotional needs, and feel empty and isolated inside. They may have problems such as obsessive-compulsive psychology and social withdrawal. Physically, there may be endocrine diseases, cancer, and other problems.

In Chinese culture, people who care about face may enhance personal evaluation by proving themselves, and may also form a super-reasonable communication method.

4. Distracting (Distractor)

People with distracting communication behave unstably, like interrupting, disturbing, and changing the topic. They try to draw attention away from stressful topics. They usually do not answer questions directly or are completely off-topic, often using humor to defuse embarrassment and attempting to do multiple things at the same time.

They often feel unable to find their position, empty and vulnerable inside, and feel not cared about and have no sense of belonging. Distractors are prone to confusion and depression. Physically, there may be neurological symptoms, dizziness, and other problems.

Chinese people may adopt euphemistic ways of communication to take things slowly and achieve harmony, which is not a manifestation of low self-esteem but a cultural habit.

The Root of Inconsistent Communication

Inconsistent communication stances often stem from early family experiences. During the growth process, we may learn some unhealthy coping methods, such as obtaining love and recognition through placating or protecting ourselves through blaming. These patterns are activated when facing pressure, making it difficult for us to express our true feelings.

Each communication stance has its advantages: Blamers are confident, placaters are kind, super-reasonable people are rational, and distractors are flexible. However, the limitations of these stances lie in that they cannot truly express themselves and it is difficult to establish healthy connections.

How to Change Inconsistent Communication Patterns?

Changing inconsistent communication patterns requires self-awareness and continuous practice. We need to recognize that our communication patterns are a reflection of past experiences and consciously choose healthier coping methods. This includes:

• Identifying your own communication pattern.
• Paying attention to your own feelings and needs.
• Learning to express your true thoughts.
• Trying to understand the feelings of others.
• Considering yourself, others, and the situation in communication.

What is Congruent Communication

Congruent communication refers to the consistency between expressions and words, acknowledging all of one's emotions, being able to express one's thoughts well, while considering the feelings of others and the situation. Congruent people will directly express their thoughts and feelings and listen to the opinions of others. For example: "I accidentally hurt you. I'm very sorry. Does it hurt here?" or "Thank you for noticing my outfit, but I was a little unhappy when you said that. What was not appropriate?"

People with congruent communication have high self-esteem, inner harmony, can accept their feelings, and handle them with a positive and open attitude. Congruent communication makes people feel trusted, and people are willing to open up to you. This communication method can promote the harmonious flow of relationships.

Congruent communication may be manifested as balancing self and others, being able to express one's own propositions while also considering the needs of others; or it may be manifested as reflecting on oneself, fulfilling one's own obligations in interpersonal interactions.

Levels of Congruent Communication

Congruent communication has three levels:

1. Accepting Feelings: Being aware of one's feelings, understanding and accepting them, and being willing to process and handle them without any denial or projection.
2. In-depth Awareness: Understanding one's true desires and expectations inside and taking full responsibility for this desire, giving up unmet expectations of others.
3. Unity of Body and Mind: Maintaining harmony with the ubiquitous vitality, that is, "Unity of Heaven and Man, Complying with Nature".

How to Achieve Congruent Communication

To achieve congruent communication, the following points are needed:

• Be aware of your emotions, objectively express what you have heard and seen, and express your expectations and hopes.
• Try to speak without blaming, placating, being super-reasonable, or distracting.
• Recognize the limitations of yourself and others, and accept your own and others' imperfections.
• Try to connect with the "iceberg" of the other party, understand the feelings, viewpoints, expectations, and desires behind the behavior.
• Use the "Ten Curious Questions" to deal with problem situations to promote the depth of communication, such as: When did it start? What happened? What's going on? What's the reason?
• When it is necessary to explain and guide, try to use the "I-oriented communication" method, focusing on your own feelings and the impact of the other party's behavior on yourself.
• Answer questions directly instead of asking back "Why do you want to know this?"
• State your specific needs instead of giving lengthy reasons.
• Make honest choices instead of catering to others.
• Be aware of, examine the comments, thoughts, and behaviors you encounter instead of judging prematurely.
• Maintain a questioning and open attitude towards life instead of pretending to have all the answers.
• Listen to the opinions of your intuition and wisdom and fully consider these when making decisions.
• When interacting with others, be fully concentrated, be aware of your own and the other party's physical messages, such as breathing, muscles, expressions, etc.
• Be aware of your own and the other party's defenses, for example, blamers try to put down the "finger of blaming" and look at the viewpoints and feelings of the other party with curiosity and concern; placaters first pay attention to their own feelings and express their true feelings; super-reasonable people should pay more attention to their hearts and use other senses to listen, see, and feel; distractors should learn to observe the situation and live in the present.

"5A Spiritual Journey"

The "5A Spiritual Journey" is very helpful when practicing congruent communication, specifically including:

1. Awareness (Aware): Be aware of your physical reactions and emotional changes.
2. Admission (Admit): Admit your emotions without blaming others.
3. Acceptance (Accept): Accept that you will be nervous, angry, and scared.
4. Action (Action): See what you can do to make your body more comfortable and your emotions more gentle.
5. Acknowledgement (Acknowledgement): Appreciate everything you have done.

Conclusion

Satir's communication mode provides a powerful framework for us to understand interpersonal relationships. By recognizing our own communication patterns and striving to shift to congruent communication, we can establish healthier and more harmonious relationships. Congruent communication is not only a skill but also an attitude towards life. It requires us to pay attention to ourselves, others, and the situation at the same time and communicate with a true, open, and respectful attitude.