Finding the Balance in Family Relationships: Insights from Psychology

Everyone aspires to have a warm and harmonious family, but in reality, family relations are often full of challenges. How can we maintain close ties while also safeguarding our personal boundaries within the family? This question troubles many people. This article will explore from a psychological perspective how to find the equilibrium in family relations and help you establish a healthier family interaction pattern.

Why Are We Affected by Our Family Members' Emotions?

Psychologist Murry Bowen proposed the Bowen Family Systems Theory, which states that a family is not merely a type of interpersonal relationship but also an emotional system. Within a family relationship, a person can be completely dominated by the emotions of others, losing the ability to make self-judgments. In such cases, either overly compliant or extremely rebellious, one is unable to truly express one's needs and thoughts. For instance, when parents have an argument, the child may feel anxious, scared, or angry; when a child doesn't perform well in exams, the parents may feel disappointed, worried, or angry.

This emotional connection is beneficial for the closeness and mutual support among family members but can also lead to excessive dependence and interference. If there is no appropriate distance and boundary among family members, the following situations may occur:

The Trouble of Triangular Relationships: When there are conflicts among family members, a third party is often involuntarily drawn in. For example, when parents argue, they might confide in the child or ask the child to take sides. Although this approach can temporarily relieve the pressure, it often complicates the problem.
Excessive Emotional Fusion: In a family relationship, a person can be completely dominated by the emotions of others, losing the ability to make self-judgments. In such cases, either overly compliant or extremely rebellious, one is unable to truly express one's needs and thoughts.

How to Be Close to Family Members While Maintaining an Appropriate Distance?

To avoid the above problems, we need to enhance the ability of Differentiation of Self. Differentiation of Self refers to a person's ability to distinguish between rational and emotional processes. In other words, a person with a high degree of differentiation can clearly distinguish between reason and emotion and is not easily influenced by emotions. Even in the face of pressure from others, a person with a high degree of differentiation can still adhere to their own thoughts while maintaining a close and meaningful relationship. Conversely, a person with a low degree of differentiation is often influenced by the emotions of others, is vulnerable to the influence of others, and lacks a sense of self.

Improving differentiation does not mean distancing oneself from family members or becoming indifferent but rather maintaining an appropriate distance while remaining close. Here are some methods to enhance differentiation:

1. Don't Be a Messenger

When there is a problem between two family members, don't represent or convey messages for them but encourage them to communicate and solve the problem directly. If they complain to you or ask you to take a stand, you can express your sympathy and understanding but also clarify your position and boundaries, and don't be controlled by their emotions.

2. Avoid Expecting to Change the Other Person

Everyone has their unique personality, values, preferences, and opinions and cannot completely meet our expectations or demands. When we attempt to change the other person, it often causes their aversion or resistance, leading to the deterioration of the relationship. We should accept the differences of the other person, respect their choices and decisions, and at the same time, express our own thoughts and feelings, seeking compromise and coordination from both sides.

3. Define Clear Communication Principles

When communicating with family members, subjective expressions like "I feel" and "I think" should be used. Many times, the communication problems between us and our family members arise because we do not clearly express our true intentions and needs but use some ambiguous or accusatory language, causing misunderstandings or aversions from the other party. We should use specific and objective language to describe our feelings and thoughts in a specific situation instead of judging or criticizing the other person's behavior or personality. Such an approach can enhance the other person's understanding and sympathy and also reduce the other person's defense and attack.

4. Understand the Facts and Clarify Responsibility Attribution

Sometimes, we may feel guilty or self-blaming when our family members encounter difficulties or pain, thinking that we haven't done well enough or haven't fulfilled our responsibilities. However, not everything is related to us, nor is everything within our control. We should objectively analyze the facts, identify the root cause and reason of the problem, and determine our role and the impact and results in it. If we do have responsibility or mistakes, we should admit the error and seek improvement; if we have no responsibility or mistakes, we should let go of the burden and give ourselves support.

5. Focus on What You Should Do

When there are problems in the family, we may be distracted or feel anxious, thereby affecting our normal life and work. We should adjust our mindset and attention, focus on the things we should complete at the moment, and do our best. At the same time, we should also cultivate some personal interests and hobbies to gain more pleasure and satisfaction. Doing so can improve our efficiency and happiness and also increase our social circle outside the family.

6. Regular Dates with Family Members

Maintaining closeness with family members does not mean being together all the time or having endless conversations but expressing care and love at the appropriate time and in the appropriate way. We can arrange regular date times with family members, fully engage in communication and interaction with them during this time, and try to avoid being disturbed or disturbing others. We can also choose some activities beneficial to physical and mental health, such as walking, doing yoga, watching movies, playing games, etc., to enhance the fun and tacit understanding between each other. On the PsycTest Official Website (www.psyctest.cn), you can find many professional assessment tools related to family relations to help you better understand the family interaction pattern.

7. Express Care in the Right Way

We don't have to express our love for family members through grand or expensive ways. Sometimes, small gestures are enough to make the other person feel our sincerity. We should understand the preferences and needs of the other person and express our care through some thoughtful and considerate ways, such as giving them a warm hug when they are busy or tired, giving them an encouraging word when they are sick or sad, giving them a good blessing when they have something important to deal with, etc.

Wisdom in Dealing with Family Conflicts

When facing family conflicts, we need to:

Maintain rational thinking and not be controlled by emotions.
Analyze the problem objectively and not easily attribute responsibility to oneself or others.
Respect differences and accept the uniqueness of each family member.

If you want to have a deeper understanding of your position in the family relationship, you might try these professional psychological tests:

Conclusion

As the saying goes, "Every family has its own problems." The family has more or less influence on everyone. As parents and we age, the interaction patterns and the distance between each other will change. And those parts that haven't been smoothed out are often the source of conflicts (for example, parents still treat us as children).

Family relations are a lesson that requires lifelong learning. As we age, our relationship with our family members is also constantly changing. Finding the appropriate way to get along, which can maintain family ties and also maintain the self, requires our continuous adjustment and effort.

Thank you for reading this article. If you have any comments or suggestions, please leave a message. I wish you and your family happiness, joy, and good health!

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